| May. 29th, 2008 @ 12:09 am (no subject) |
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I don't honestly get sad a lot anymore. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. I get frustrated, disappointed, lonely, or upset, but I rarely get sad. I do go through bouts of depression, or at least what I perceive to be depression since I've never been formally diagnosed, but I do believe I suffer from it. Tonight, for the first night in a long while, I was truly sad.
I forgot my cell phone charger today and since I'm going to be making a ten hour drive to Detroit later today, I figured it would be best to have it. I rarely drive in silence, but after listening to Gideon Yago talk to a complete and total asshole on This American Life I turned off my iPod and opened the windows. And, in a weird sort of moment of clarity, I noticed Greensboro was there.
If you talk to me about Greensboro, you'll notice that I'm one of the few people who's not hard on it. I actually like Greensboro. At least I thought I did. I now think I actually just like the people here. As I drove, memories raced through my head in that weird sort of slideshow picture way. From Borders to my house, I was flooded with emotion. No regret, but nostalgia for how things were. And, for me, nostalgia seems to lead to sadness. I could not stop thinking about what I had experienced here. So instead of driving home, I just drove around the downtown area and the spots around my home. And I just drove and drove. And I thought about all of it (or at least it feels like I did). The great times I had sitting at my kitchen table, the terrible things I did to people who deserved better at UNCG, the nights I'd spend sitting quietly at Tate Street, and the larger fact that everyone I cared about lived fifteen minutes away from me. For that brief moment, it felt like anyone I gave a damn about lived just a short drive away from me. And I was overwhelmed.
The truth is, there are plenty of people who live far away from me that I care for. And my experiences and memories have been defined by the hijinx I've fallen into in Greensboro, but it's not all of who I am. Maybe it's because I payed my residence deposit, but I think I experienced my impending move to Manhattan finally hitting me. And it hit me hard.
I didn't cry. I haven't cried in a long time. The last time I remember myself crying wasn't one of my proudest moments (and I don't think it was the last time I cried. Oddly enough, I don't remember that one). I just don't cry. But, because I felt sad, I felt like I should be crying. I for those moments as I drove around town, I didn't know how to deal with how I was feeling. I didn't know what was an appropriate response. So I just sat there, behind my house, staring forward. Sad. |
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